The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
