he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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