Just fell off a train. Bad.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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