Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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