I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
