Your dad touched me again.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
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