I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
