Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
