i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
