Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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