Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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