Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
