Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
