When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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