i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Randomize
