My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
