The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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