I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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