My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
