You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
