Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I looked at my own cervix.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Couch. On fire.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
