To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
