I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
