So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
