i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
