Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
