your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
