oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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