If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
