I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
