When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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