Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
