Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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