i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
