its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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