Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
