i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
