He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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