I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
