I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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