I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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