So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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