ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Randomize
