this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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