All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
