this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
