I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs