and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
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I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
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I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.