My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
