It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
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This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
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Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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