No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
