I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
