She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
