Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
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