if i can run in heels then i can drive
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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