She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Two words: blizzard sex
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
