He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I deserve this hangover.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
