ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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